Category «Religion»

Telling the Girls

These three simple words are easy to write but not easy to do. It is not easy explaining to your children why the relationship did not work. How could they understand when they have never been in such a situation? I literally had to google on how to tell your children about a break up.

It took me time to tell them, I knew they already knew what had happened, I had ended my engagement. This topic was going to be sensitive to them because they had already faced a divorce from me and their father and it was not easy. Were they go to react the same way or differently? Were they go to be affected in terms of their school work and social life? Don’t forget that I wasn’t the only one who was in a relationship with my fiancé but also my kids had bonded with him. They had accepted him to their lives and they had learned how to love him. This break up came as a surprise to them, it not necessarily meant they had to end their friendship with him, but they had that to consider.

I needed to call them to a family meeting and discuss with them about this situation. I sat them down and was honest with them about the break up. I made it clear it was never their fault and they were the best thing that happened to my life. There was nothing that was going to tear us apart. I told them about how the relationship was about the couple and when one is not happy, it is not right to continue with the same path. I did not try to blame anyone including my ex.

I was happy about how they reacted. In fact my first born gave me a hug and told me all that mattered was I be happy. I could not hold on to my tears and I cried. Gave them a group hug and I was sure all will be well. This did not affect their social life neither their school work.

Now every child reacts different to the break up and I was lucky that mine reacted positively. What if your child reacts negatively? you should give them time. Only time can heal them. Some children cannot be able to express themselves in words hence you will see some change in some behaviors like being aggressive. You got to give them a sense of you being in control, so that they cannot be reckless. Don’t give them a reason to indulge in reckless behaviors. Always let them know you love them and it was never their fault. They come first even after the decision you have made.

It is also good to tell them they are free to express themselves and their feelings. Within time they will heal and move on. It is very hard to tell your children about the break up but it is the best decision.

If I Had a Crystal Ball

If I Had a Crystal Ball

If I had a crystal ball I would have gazed into the future when I began my relationship with this guy. Probably I would have walked the other side when he said hi. I could not go through all this problems have gone through due to ending our engagement. Problems with his parents, my parents, my children, my friends and even the whole society. Probably my story would be so different. Chances would be I would still be single and enjoying my life to the fullest or I would have been married to the guy I wanted.

If I had a crystal ball I would look into my future, and look at what it has for me. Will I be happy again? Will all this judgmental looks end? Will people stop consistently asking the same questions? Will my little daughters be happy? Will I get the guy who I love whole heartedly?

Well, when is all said and done, there is nothing I can do, but work on my present situation, deal with everything that comes on my way including my career. I can’t hold on to ‘what if’ because ‘what if’ never happens. What I can hold on to, is the present which is a present to me.

All I know is I see myself happy in the near future, because as many have always said, the only thing that is between you and happiness is yourself. I see myself taking my children to university, it will pretty much hard to let go but I have to. I see myself doing great in my career getting my dream promotion and in my office is a picture of my happy family and me. I see the guy I get eventually, well he is handsome and knows how to treat a lady. This time round I actually like him.

Yes that is what I see for me and no one is going to burst my bubble. Am going to work hard to achieve this, but mostly am going to enjoy every step of it. Feel every step of it whether pain, frustration, love, joy, sorrow. Take every hardship and every victory as it is.

I am stronger than I have ever been. My wounds will be healed and what will remain are the scars. They will not remind me of the pain and sorrow I had to go through but the strength I had to overcome all situations to be who I am.

We all want to see the future and hope it holds the best for us. But I think it is much better to look at what you have and works towards what you want. It’s better this way that you don’t know your future because every single day you create your future. Imagine a world that has everyone’s future predicted. It would be pretty much useless to wake up daily and do something about your life.

What You Gain vs. What You Lose

This is a question that many would ask if I gave them an opportunity to do so. Are you happy now? Which makes me think that many think that I was in a prison or was sentenced to death row. Which is not true. I had my share of fun, I just chose to say yes to what I should have said no to.

I was afraid of being the person who tells a guy no and shun him off. I was scared of losing an opportunity of giving my children a father figure. I was scared of him being the guy I once knew and I decided to say yes.

What did I gain eventually? Well, I became the most unhappy lady, trying my best to compromise and hope for the best. It was not easy, every single day thinking of how to tell him I did not reciprocate his love and I did not think that it would ever work. I procrastinated till the wedding day on the alter.

You know how everyone has goosebumps and they are not sure if they want to go through this? After a pep talk, they all get confidence and they are ready to get married. Well for me it was different. I knew I didn’t want to go through with this. I still was procrastinating till the time I was walking on the aisle in my beautiful white dress. At this point, I knew my procrastination had its consequences which I was going to pay for.

I had been given the last chance to choose what my consequences would be; to be an unhappy wife or to be a single lady. We clearly know what I chose. So do you think I have gained much or lost more? I tend to think I have gained more. My life cannot be much clearer than it could ever be. I have bonded with my children to another level. I have begun to focus on me which is way important than anything else. I have loved myself even more because I have realized I am much stronger than I could ever be. I have learnt to appreciate who I am and what I like.

I feel better than before. I feel like I belong.

This is even if many people have looked at me in a way that I cannot explain. I still feel relieved and the pressure is all gone. I guess am now focusing on more of who I am and what I want to be. In a society that has never appreciated a single mother, I feel I will thrive in it.

I have gained more than I have lost. I don’t regret anything I did after walking down the isle. Leaving in a world that got you to procrastinate is not the best. Enjoying your life every step of the way is what matters most and it should matter to every woman.

Deciding to Take a Break

Deciding to Take a Break

There are sometime we always want to see everything colored even if it is black and white. It becomes hard to accept all this and we manipulate our eyes to see colored. We all know the stages of acceptance, it applies in almost everything including relationship.

You begin with denial, you clearly can see all you seeing is familiar. It reminds you of why your previous relationship did not work, yet you think is all going to change. I was once in such a position, being a mother of 2 in a marriage that was not working. I decided to move on by signing the divorce documents. It was not easy, let’s say being in a relationship for that long takes time to move on but I did move on. I met a guy and everything was just fine, or that was what I lied to myself every day as I slept. He began doing what my ex-husband used to do; forgot our dates, never appreciated any effort I took, raised his voice at me.

I always said to myself, it will all get better. Somewhere inside me I knew it was all a lie and I was going to face the music. Bargaining was the easy road. He had much in his mind that is why he forgot the date. Or he was needed at the last minute at work. This eventually becomes a culture, and when you are ready to stop lying to yourself, what come next is anger.

Anger can be very dangerous in a relationship especially if it is kept in. It is necessary to talk to your partner about it. You don’t confront them, instead ask them. Don’t be too judgmental, explain how you feel, if it does not work out, it only means the boat sailed long ago and there was no other option but to take the break.

You got to be calm when breaking up, this will ensure no one is hurt physically. Mentally and emotionally is inevitable not to leave a wound. Be near your anchor, your friends, they will help you face this rough time.

Eventually your anger turns to depression, you are always wondering was it your fault? Are you the one to blame for your separation? Was there something you could have done to restore your faded relationship? At this point you are vulnerable and if this guy came back to your life, you may take him back, even if he is poison to your life. You also decide to do some impulse actions that you regret later. It is good to be busy in such a scenario till all becomes clear to you. All the questions should be clearly answered by you for you to move on.

This leads to the last stage which is acceptance, it is the best part of all the stages. This is where you were once blind and now you have perfect vision. This is what gives you the push to move on and face another day. It is what makes you remember you were better than all that, and you made the best decision.

Continue to Stay Positive

Continue to Stay Positive

It is been a while since I ended my engagement with my ex-fiancé. I must admit it has not been the easiest road. I hurt people and is very hard to face each of them. I have learnt to take everything positive. Either way I got to hold on for my children and loved ones. I got to be strong to ensure they are also strong.

One of the things that I did that enabled me to stay positive, was taking a small trip. I went to a new place where people did not know me. It was not as fun as it could have been if I had gone another day but it definitely did the trick. It distracted me for a while and kept me from not thinking about my disastrous life.

Secondly for the first three months, I did not make major decision especially those that were going to affect my children. I gave it a rest and had a normal routine. I gave myself permission to feel what I was feeling. I broke down to tears because I knew if I held it in, it would destroy me.

Thirdly I had friends who were supportive, and were ready to stop their lives for me. They made it easier to face all my emotions. They gave me words of encouragement and helped me out in considering what I was going to do next. I told them how I felt and they consoled me.

Above all I learnt from my relationship, I did not think about who I should blame but I thought what I had done wrong in the relationship and could have I done it better. I was honest with myself and this liberated me because I did not need to blame myself.

It came a time and my clock started ticking again. It was time to move on. Many confuse moving on by starting to stalk the guy. Eventually you are the one who is hurt and lonely. I had a routine in which in the evening we would meet up with my ex-fiancé, instead I joined a music club. I love singing and I thought it was about a time I sang in a crowd. Every day I woke up not sure if this is what I wanted to do, but as time passed by, it became a normal routine that I was accustomed too.

What always made me stay positive was the fact that there was tomorrow. It would get better. Having a future ahead was what gave me courage to face the next day. I did face my fears and talked to my ex-fiancé explaining my actions to him and apologizing for my mistakes. This liberated me and I was able to move on.

I am looking down the lane and am thinking things could have been worse, I could have been an alcoholic, or I could have killed myself! I am happy I chose this road, and I will continue being positive that all will better.